Talk of ranches, donkeys and wild Horned Frogs dominated a businessmen's lunch Wednesday.
By the end, the buckaroos of the Exchange Club of Fort Worth had rounded up an all-time record $125,000 toward the Star-Telegram Goodfellow Fund's $1 million goal.
Investors Ed and Lee Bass were among seven ranchers fitted with too-small cowboy hats to the laughs of about 150 business leaders in the Fort Worth Club.
Emcee George Young Jr. said the joke about Texans as "big hat, no cattle" doesn't fit the ranchers.
The seven own a combined 1.7 million acres.
"We think if you own a lot of cattle -- then you oughta have a little bitty hat," Young said to laughter as assistant Amy "Mrs. Claus" Smith tightened the hat and chin strap onto investor Luther King.
"We'd like you to wear these the rest of the day," Young said.
Instead, the ranchers offered up checks.
In its 76th year, the charity luncheon is part men's club roast, part holiday party, and all in the name of the Goodfellows.
Bill Tucker, the Texas Christian University chancellor emeritus, set the stage when he brought in a few members of the TCU Marching Band, then jokingly said his goal for the event would be "to relieve you of the burden of wealth."
After emceeing the event for 25 years, lawyer and "Chief Extractor" Edward "Buzz" Kemble, 76, took a sidekick role.
But he did squeeze TCU alumni for donations, mockingly threatening to sue TCU football coach "Jerry Peterson" (Gary Patterson) for "libeling" Kemble's Southern Methodist University Mustangs. SMU beat TCU 40-33 this year.
Instead of a settlement, the club's TCU alumni offered a Goodfellows gift -- but only if Kemble, a former SMU running back, agreed to wear a TCU shirt next year.
The gift: $22,000.
Republican candidate-in-waiting Roger Williams also came in for barnyard teasing over a YouTube campaign video where he chides Democratic donkeys as "The Donkey Whisperer."
Lawyer Ralph Duggins brought forth a surprise witness: a donkey (to be exact, a life-size photo).
The donkey accused Williams of a "hostile work environment" and said it was "not compensated."
Then Duggins let the donkey cross-examine Williams, who switched from a U.S. Senate race to U.S. House.
"I've got one question for you," the donkey asked.
"Could you tell everybody exactly what office you're running for today, and where?"
Williams grinned and replied, "I'm running for the post office."
Just run and send a check to the Goodfellows.
 
 
Bud Kennedy, 817-390-7538